HOLY BUGGERY, BATMAN! FATHERS BEN DOVER AND PHIL McCRAKEN AWAIT YOUNGER PREY It seems as though no matter where you turn these days, your eyes will fall upon a headline or a news report about the perverted sexual antics engaged in by Catholic priests. "EXORCISM SEX ASSAULT!" cries one headline. "FORTY NEW VICTIMS COME FORWARD!" shrieks another. Being a successfully de-programmed Catholic himself, yer old pal Jerky has been watching with great interest the slow motion self-destruct end-game that is the Mother Church's decades-long mishandling of its seemingly infinite pedophile problem. Conversely, being the product of a deeply Catholic, rural gothic small-town upbringing, the bitter tang of my disgust has been softened by the mellow undertone of déjà vu-like familiarity. All this supposedly "shocking" stuff is not news to me, and frankly, I find it difficult to work up any more outrage over this story now than I did twenty years ago, simply because it's leapt from one level of awareness to the next. And what a long strange trip it's been for this debacle, when viewed as an on-going revelation. It's been literally decades in the unfolding. From the whispered confessions of confused and wounded people, to family gossip grapevines, to the local newspapers, to national headlines, to - ultimately - Pope John Paul II, himself, who only this week called for a special audience with the American College of Cardinals to discus this plague of sexual predator priests; these toad-like men with their taste for un-ripe cherries and their inability to stop themselves from fucking every pink wiggly thing into which they can hook their desperate, rapist fingers. I repeat: if the story of priestly pedophilia is news to you, then you probably haven't been paying much attention to what goes on in your community. And what about this caucus with the Pope? Sure, calling such a meeting was a nice gesture on JP II's part, but there's something yer old pal Jerky's having trouble wrapping his head around: If, thanks to the wise counsel of friends, family, and common sense observation, ignorant young Jerky LeBoeuf knew which priests in his diocese to stay away from, then how could it possibly be that the Pope - or his representatives somewhere down the hierarchical line of authority - know which priests to send packing? And by packing, I don't mean the fudge, because God knows - and therefore, so should the Pope, seeing as he's supposed to be God's head salesman here on Earth - they've done far more than their fair share of that. I mean, seriously... is it really so difficult to find men who want to be priests nowadays that the Catholic Church has to accept every spank-happy, nitrous-oxide-sucking, rubber-mask-wearing freakazoid who walks in off the street and asks for an application?! If this is, indeed, the case, then perhaps it's time the Vatican liquidated all assets and closed up shop, splitting the proceeds evenly amongst its poorest former members (insert sound of a thousand mobbed-up Church officials laughing their asses off, here). But of course, the Catholic bureaucracy is not about to shut itself down after nearly two thousand years, just because of a massive sex scandal. Hell, they survived the Pornocracy at the end of the first millennium, and that series of scandals - including almost a century of murder, incest and orgies within the Vatican walls - make the current crop of criminals seem almost quaint by comparison. Still, if we ever hope to get to the bottom of the current "situation," it behooves us to try and figure out the root causes of this rampant priestly beastliness. It has been posited by some that simply being forced to remain celibate drives priests to do what they do. Having known plenty of people whose sex lives could only be accurately charted using geological time spans - concordant with the shifting of the planet's crustal plates - none of whom have turned into child-raping lunatics, yer old pal Jerky doesn't put much stock in this theory. If lack of sex is all it takes to turn somebody into a rapist, then Star Trek conventions and comic-book shops would be the Sodom and Gomorrah of our age. No… it's got to be something else… Could it possibly be something specific to the tenets of Catholicism, as opposed to other Christian sects and denominations? Considering a recent study showing that Protestants - mainline, evangelical and fundamentalist - are at least as perverted as Catholics, yer old pal Jerky doubts it. This leads one to the inevitable question: might the root causes be found within certain elements of the Christian religion as a whole? Perhaps the current iconography - sado-masochistically centering as it does on the image of a writhing naked man who has willingly allowed himself to be nailed to a wooden cross after being repeatedly whipped by musclebound Roman centurions - attracts the wrong kind of person. Yer old pal Jerky bets if the Catholics went back to using the JESUS FISH symbol, they would cut their pedophilia rates in half! But maybe it goes even deeper than that. Maybe, to find the nugget of wisdom we're looking for, we have to excavate the idealogical strata all the way down to the very foundational basis of Western religious belief, itself: the concepts of redemption and the afterlife. I know, I know... these are the very elements of religion that are supposed to make you do GOOD! But think about it for a second... if you can ask for forgiveness at a later date, anyway, then what's stopping you from committing horrible, evil sins right here and NOW?! Nothing at all. And that's why religion is bad. Good night, Cleveland! YOPJ

ON THIS DAY April 18 On this day in 1906, in the early morning hours just before dawn, a monster earthquake - estimated at close to 8.0 on the Richter scale - hits San Francisco, killing hundreds as it topples buildings and sparks numerous uncontrolable firestorms. The carnage inspires billionaire food tycoon R.J. Kraft to create his now-famous Shake 'n Bake chicken and pork chop coating system. *** *** *** Also on this day, in the year 2000 (still kinda sounds like the future, don't it?), ultra-mega-superstar Pamela Anderson has her silicon breast implants removed. It is later learned that she also got new, smaller, saline boobies implanted during the same operation. So why'd she do it? "It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time," she said at the time, adding: "I'm sick of being known only as the girl with monstrous mammaries." Well, it's been two years, Pammy... so where's that Great American Novel you've been working on? Or that symphony you've been composing? No? How about a needlepoint Bavarian flag? Did you undergo surgery and go to all that trouble for NOTHING, Pammy?! Cuz, as far as yer old pal Jerky can tell, you're still pretty much known only for your monstrous mammaries. Well... that, and for your stint as an amateur porn star (for which I hereby personally thank you).

QUOTES! "Think of all the ongoing conflicts involving religion: India versus Pakistan, Russia versus Chechnya, Protestants versus Catholics in Northern Ireland, Muslim guerrillas in the Philippines, bloody clashes between Christians and Muslims in Indonesia and Nigeria, civil war in Sudan and Uganda and Sri Lanka... It's enough to make one nostalgic for the cold war -- as if the thin film of twentieth-century political ideology has been stripped away like the ozone layer to reveal a world reverting to seventeenth-century-style religious warfare, fought with twenty-first-century weapons. God changes everything." - So says Katha Pollit in her recent online editorial for The Nation. *** *** *** "Our overriding purpose, from the beginning right through to the present day, has been world domination -- that is, to build and maintain the capacity to coerce everybody else on the planet: nonviolently, if possible; and violently, if necessary. But the purpose of our foreign policy of domination is not just to make the rest of the world jump through hoops; the purpose is to facilitate our exploitation of resources." - Excerpted from an intriguing interview with former US attorney general Ramsey Clark, conducted by The Sun in August of 2001.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Murf... A guy visits his doctor complaining of a really sharp headache along the left hand side of his brain. "Right" the doctor says, ruminating on the problem. "Can I ask you a question?" "Yeah," responds our protagonist. "Do you masturbate?" asks the Doc. Somewhat taken aback the guy replies "err... well... yeah." "It's great, isn't it?" replies the Dr, beaming a wide grin. *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal NatLamp... Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A: So they won't be mistaken for lesbians! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Sloth Father. A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her pussy. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; I have agreed with just about everything you'v said untill now. You should not take the Lords name in vain, then you say "Goddammit"? You should not commit adultery, you wont even dignify that with a responce? If we were teaching our kids to be more God fearing thay would not be so quick to shoot each other. Everything that man touches is corrupted. Thies are moral laws, just basic gidelines for spiritual growth. I'v been getting your e-mails for over 2 years now but not any more. I cant believe you think you KNOW MORE THAN GOD! Signed: Martin Matrox Dear MM; Considering the fact that God doesn't exist, it only stands to reason that yer old pal Jerky would know better than Him. Cheers! YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: INSTANTLY-REBUTTED REBUTTAL TO YESTERDAY'S SOAPBOX! Care of: fla_beach@hotmail.com. You know, I read that piece of shit point of view in yesterday's Soapbox, and damn near hurled. Look what we've evolved into. The cumulative body count is somewhere near 3,000+, THAT is a fact. The World Trade Center is no more. THAT is a fact. [Who denies this? Nobody denies this. - Jerky] We got attacked by a foreign power. THAT is a fact. [Oh really? And what "foreign power" attacked us, exactly? The desperately impoverished Stone Age nation of Afghanistan, where we've now killed roughly twice as many innocent civilians as perished in the terrorist attacks that spawned our questionable response? The alleged hijackers were Saudis. The Taleban's power base is in Pakistan. Why didn't we attack THOSE nations? - Jerky] And what's the best we can do? Reduce this tragedy to a really bad episode of the X-files. The conjecture in the aftermath would be hilariously comical if it wasn't so tragic. [That's your characterization of it. If true, the level of evil in the scenarios envisioned by more and more serious, devoted researchers eclipses anything ever touched upon in that particular TV show. And another thing: immediately equating any alternative theory about 911 with the X-files, just because that program happened to feature conspiracy theories in it, is a prime example of the logical fallacy of "false analogy." - Jerky] Did the government fuck up? Oh yeah, you betcha they did. Do they know that they fucked up and are attempting to do everything in their power to regroup and salvage some form of respectability out of all this? Double betcha. Are there black ops personnel sitting in a bunker somewhere toasting the success of the ultimate conspiracy? Gimme a fuckin break. [You don't know this. None of us knows this. That is why it is vital that researchers continue to dig. - Jerky] This is a country that can't get the friggin MAIL delivered on time, but they can mastermind this kind of thing, huh. Uhhhh, I don't think so. [You really should tie down your straw men before they blow away with the breeze. First of all, that "the government can't get the mail delivered" bullshit is just that: BULLSHIT. It's an overused cliche' that points to the occasional exception, rather than the rule. And as for our government's ability to mastermind conspiracies, I would point you towards Watergate, Iran/Contra, JFK's assassination, the Bay of Pigs, Project Paperclip, MK-Ultra, and Project Northwoods (google them if you're interested). History proves you're simply WRONG, here. - Jerky] To dishonor those who sat at the airplane windows in those last seconds, knowing what was about to happen to them... To blowoff as nothing those poor bastards in those towers whose only mistake was showing up for work... And for forgetting about the hundreds of police, fire, and EMS people who could have just run away and didn't, just to advance a "really good conspiracy theory" that plays well in bars after your fourth tequila shooter, THAT is the true tragedy here. [No, John, it is people like you - who blindly follow the script as written, parroting the party line - who do a grave disservice to those who died in these heinous attacks. And the fact that you can do nothing but hurl contempt at those who refuse to meekly accept the thin soup of lies and head-patting bromides offered up by The Powers That Be gives yer old pal Jerky great cause for concern. - Jerky] This is about the people who died, not you and your fuckin bullshit opinions. This country is so disposable that those people have been forgotten like a buncha used Bic lighters. We've become such a disposable society that even thousands of people are treated like a buncha used Bic lighters. It's sad. - John [If there are many more people like you out there, then perhaps all hope is lost. It is precisely that we have not forgotten the people that have died at the hands of the US government that we dare to seek the truth. YOU are the one who, in a pathetic, misguided quest for peace of mind, is willing to turn your back on the vital quest for truth. It is you who chooses to swallow the bullshit being shoved into our mouths on a daily. If you weren't such a coward, you'd be gagging, retching and spitting along with the rest of us down here in the Shadow Minority. Sincerely, Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com